


Movie Night Madness

by Mama_Qwerty



Category: Fairly OddParents
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:48:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4134621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mama_Qwerty/pseuds/Mama_Qwerty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wanda leaves Tabby and Cosmo home alone for an evening. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> One of the first fics I wrote for FOP, this little bit of fun explores how much trouble a fairy and 9 year old can get into without supervision.
> 
> Originally posted on FFnet under "qwerty-kitties".
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure you two will be okay?” Wanda asked for what was probably the fifth time in twenty minutes.

Cosmo rolled his eyes and uttered a slightly annoyed sigh. “Wanda, I think I can take care of our goddaughter for one night by myself, thank you very much!” he said, angrily crossing his arms across his chest.

Wanda crossed her own arms and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh, really,” she asked in a way that wasn’t really a question. “Need I remind you which one of us suggested to Spencer that digging a hole to China was a great way to pass a Saturday night? And which one of us turned himself into a steam shovel to help him dig?”

Cosmo blushed, turning away quickly. “Yeah, well, that probably would have worked if we hadn’t hit the water main.”

“Uh huh,” Wanda said flatly. “How about the time you told Emily that the moon was made of cheese and you poofed her there to check—without a spacesuit?”

“She only turned a little blue! She was okay!” he countered, spreading his arms in a wide shrug. “Wanda, that was years ago, years and years ago, even! I’m different now! C’mon! You’re just going to be gone for a few hours, I can handle it!”

“She’s 9 and you’re, well, YOU! Neither one of you are mature enough to spend an entire night alone.”

Cosmo crossed his arms again, this time in an exaggerated pout.

“Maybe I should get a fairy sitter,” Wanda muttered, and raised her wand to call when she felt a sharp tug on her pant leg.

“Hel-lo!” Tabitha said, looking annoyed. “Standing right here, hearing every word you say!”

Wanda smiled and dropped down to her goddaughter’s level.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie,” she said, placing a hand on Tabby’s cheek. “I’m just so worried that something will happen while I’m away. You know, I haven’t REALLY spoken to Sissy in so long, I doubt she’d even notice if I wasn’t at her bachelor-ette party. Maybe I should cancel—“

“Wanda, would you please relax?” Tabby asked, lowering her godmother’s wand hand. “I promise I won’t make any wishes, and we’ll just watch some TV. We’ll be fine!”

The pink haired fairy offered her goddaughter a dubious look. “Are you sure?”

“YES!” Cosmo cried as he flew down to join them. “Jeez, Wanda! You’d think we were going to destroy the house while you’re gone! Look,” he said, placing his wand on the little table in the bedroom, “I’ll even leave my wand right here so I can’t use any magic at all tonight. Happy??”

“Oh, Cosmo,” his wife said, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, sweetie. I just . . . we’ll, I’m just worried, that’s all. But you’re probably right, everything should be okay.”

She smiled and hugged him, then Tabby, before raising her wand. The tip flashed three times, in quick succession.

“I’ll be back late. There’s a pizza in the oven for supper, and a few movies downstairs on the TV. Don’t eat too much junk and don’t watch too much television. And don’t stay up too late.”

Tabby and Cosmo both rolled their eyes.

“Yes, Mother,” they said in unison.

Wanda frowned. “Maybe I should just—“

“GO,” Cosmo said.

“We’ll be fine,” Tabby assured her.

Wanda flicked an uncertain glance back and forth between the two for a minute before sighing.

“All right,” she conceded as she raised her wand again. “Love you both. Be good!

With a flash and a soft puff of smoke, Wanda disappeared.

“Whew!” Cosmo sighed, floating down to Tabby. “I thought she’d NEVER leave! So what do you want to do first?”

A broad smile lit the girl’s face and Cosmo instantly returned it.

“PIZZA!” they cried and ran for the kitchen.

_**~X~X~X~** _

“So what movies did she leave us?” Cosmo asked a little later as he settled himself on the big couch and began flipping through the TV channels.

Tabby flipped through the stack of DVDs from atop the set, wrinkling her nose at each one.

Cosmo snickered. “They must be REALLY good.”

“Two nature documentaries, an in-depth study of the letter Q throughout history, and one called ‘The Lost Little Bunny and the Mystery of Puff-Pie Mountain’.” She looked over at her godfather, who busily clicked through the channels. “Is she serious?”

He shrugged. “I guess we’re SO immature that we need to be sheltered from the big, bad real world, where GOOD movies and violence and—OOOH!” His eyes went wide as he landed on an old black and white sci-fi movie. “This! Let’s watch this!”

Tabby walked back to the couch and flopped down, sending her godfather bouncing up slightly. The movie had just started, and the faded credits passed slowly.

“What’s it called?” she asked, grabbing some popcorn from the large, overflowing bowl they had brought.

Cosmo shrugged. “I missed the whole title, but it has something to do with an alien monster! COOL!”

Tabby glanced worriedly at her godfather. “Are you sure you should watch something like this?” she asked, making him look at her in surprise. “I mean, you know how you get sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking hurt.

She shrugged, softening her gaze. “Well, you DID have nightmares for a week after we watched ET,” she said softly. “And he wasn’t even supposed to be scary.”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Oh that!” he said with a laugh. “Ancient history!”

“It was a month ago.”

“Yeah, well,” he stammered, looking annoyed. “THIS is a movie from the 50s. It doesn’t have all those fancy-shmancy computer special effects—LOOK!” He pointed to the TV, where an obvious model rocket ship was suspended on an obvious string, dangling before an obvious fake backdrop. “If THAT’S how special the special effects are, there’s no problem, right?”

Tabby raised an eyebrow as she thought about this logic. He made a good point. Monster movies from the 50s never had what you would call ‘cutting edge’ special effects, by any stretch of the imagination. The alien or monster usually meant some guy in a poorly made rubber suit. Even Cosmo could handle that, right? She shrugged as she settled back into the couch.

“Okay,” she said with a sigh. “As long as you don’t get scared.”

Cosmo cheered and scooped up a handful of popcorn, half of which spilled to the floor as he brought it to his mouth. A nagging voice in the back of Tabby’s head whispered to her, telling her this was a bad idea, but she dismissed it as merely a remnant of Wanda’s obvious paranoia. Her godmother had been so sure that something would go wrong, how could she NOT feel at least somewhat worried that the little pink haired fairy was right?

_**~X~X~X~** _

Over an hour later, Tabby jerked slightly as she awoke from a light doze. They were an hour and a half into the movie, and she surmised that the big ‘kill the alien monster’ climax was coming up soon.

She had watched about 45 minutes of it—rolling her eyes as the wooden actors methodically spouted the awful dialog in monotone voices—before succumbing to the sheer boredom and falling asleep. Judging by how quickly she could reconnect with the ‘storyline’, she guessed she didn’t really miss all that much.

She yawned and stretched, grunting in surprise when her left hand bumped into a barrier. She looked over and, in the flickering light of the television, made out the shape of a little ‘fort’, constructed from what appeared to be tempered steel. She stared slack-jawed for a few seconds before rolling her eyes. She was only asleep for a little over half an hour!

Carefully inching herself off the couch, Tabby slowly leaned over to peer into the small slit in the front of the metal box. She wasn’t stupid—if her godfather was scared enough to erect a steel fort, who knew what kind of ‘defenses’ he had also created. She carefully peered inside the dark box, squinting her eyes to try and make out his shape.

“Cosmo?” she called softly, leaning closer. “Are you in there?”

A flash of green whizzed by as he lifted his head.

“Tabby?” he whispered, and her heart gave a little jump from the quiver in his voice. He just sounded so scared. His large green eyes darted back and forth quickly. “Are you okay?”

She smiled warmly. “Of course I’m okay,” she said gently, soothingly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because the alien—“

“Is just a guy in a suit,” she finished for him. “And that guy is just in the TV, see?” She pointed behind her, where a guy in a poorly fabricated alien costume ‘wrestled’ with the hero on the screen. “There’s no one here but you and me.”

“You don’t know that!” he cried, near hysterics. “The alien could be upstairs! Or in the garage! Or the basement! Or the attic! There could be a monster under your bed or behind the fridge or in the toilet bowl—“

“Cosmo, there are NO aliens OR monsters in the house,” she said with a roll of her eyes, nearing the end of her patience. “Will you get out of that thing? You look ridiculous.”

He looked at her for a few seconds before pulling away from the eye slit. Tabby saw a bright flash from within the box before it vanished completely, leaving Cosmo hanging in mid-air, his head darting around quickly to look in all directions at once. At his chest he held his wand, clutched tightly in both fists.

“I knew this would happen,” she said, straightening up. “The movie scared you, just like I thought it would.”

Cosmo flew up to face her, looking hurt. “I’m not scared!”

“Cosmo, you built yourself a little steel fort!”

“It was . . . cozy,” he stammered, fidgeting with his wand. “I always build forts when I watch movies. Really.”

Tabby raised an eyebrow at him.

“Uh huh,” she said, crossing her arms. “And what about the wand? You promised Wanda you wouldn’t use magic tonight, remember?”

“I . . . uh . . . well, I needed it to make my fort.”

“The fort you ‘need’ in order to watch movies.”

“Uh huh.”

“Why didn’t you just use the couch cushions?”

“Because that wouldn’t stop the alien!” he cried before slapping a hand over his mouth.

“AHA!” she exclaimed, pointing a finger at him. “So you WERE scared!”

He dropped his hand and looked at her for a minute, eyes wide, lower lip trembling.

“YES!” he cried, throwing his arms around her and sobbing into her chest. “The alien was so scary and it sucked out people’s brains and turned them into zombies and I started hearing noises and I got scared so I went upstairs and got my wand and made a fort and . . . and . . .” He threw his head back and sobbed loudly. “I DON’T WANT MY BRAIN SUCKED OUT!”

Tabby waited until a number of obvious retorts to his last statement played through her mind before replying. “So, it would have been okay if MY brain was sucked out?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

He looked at her questioningly. “Huh?”

“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that there actually IS and alien in the house. There ISN’T,” she said sternly as he opened his mouth, “but let’s just SAY there is. While you’re safe in your little fort, I’m out in the open, a regular smorgasbord for any hungry alien. How would you explain to Wanda why I’m a zombie?”

“Too much TV?” he said shakily after thinking quietly for a minute.

Tabby smiled and nodded. “Exactly,” she said, and clicked the TV off. “And I think you’ve had enough for tonight.”

“AWWW!” Cosmo whined as he flew to the screen and pressed his fingers against the glass. “Now how do I see how they kill the alien?”

“Cosmo, they kill the monster in practically the exact same way in those old movies!” she cried, carrying the bowl of leftover popcorn to the kitchen. She turned and pushed the swinging door open with her back as Cosmo followed. “They use some big bomb, or some experimental ray gun, or some extremely convenient lethal weapon that just HAPPENS to be lying around, just where they HAPPEN to be hiding. It’s so ridiculous!”

“Nuh uh!” he said angrily as Tabby set the bowl on the island.

She looked up at him, hands on her hips.

“Yuh huh! Name ONE movie where there isn’t some incredibly convenient—and totally unbelievable—coincidence that saves the day. Just ONE!”

Cosmo twirled his wand in his hands distractedly as he thought. Meanwhile, Tabby moved the popcorn bowl to the sink and rinsed it, before munching on a slice of the leftover pizza. She dropped it after one bite—it was cold and she didn’t much care for cold pizza.

“OH!” he cried after a few minutes of intense thought. “What about that one where the monster chased that lady into the woods, and there was no one in the old abandoned cabin, so she—“

“Wait a minute,” Tabby interrupted, catching his line of thinking. “That’s the one where she was the expert archer and managed to fashion a bow from a tree branch and her bootlaces, and just happened to find a straight pointy stick to use as an arrow. Yeah, you’re right, that’s TOTALLY believable.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked angrily as they headed back to the living room. “Well, so what? It’s so easy for YOU to stand there and make fun, when YOU don’t have to kill the monster!”

“There ARE no monsters!” Tabby shouted, his anger rubbing off on her. “For crying out loud, Cosmo! Monsters aren’t real! They’re like Bigfoot, and Nessie, and fair—ugh.” She slapped a hand to her forehead, utterly flabbergasted at what she was about to say. She was so used to having her godparents in her life, she sometimes completely forgot what they were.

Cosmo crossed his arms, a smug look on his face.

“Fairies aren’t real, huh?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Then what am I? Your imaginary friend?”

She looked at him, annoyed. “Look, I didn’t . . . I mean I was GOING to say . . .”

He was nodding, almost condescendingly. She scowled.

“UGH! This is so STUPID!” she cried before walking toward the staircase.

“What’s so stupid about it?” Cosmo asked as he flew in her way, bringing her to a halt. “Look, I’m a fairy, and I’m real, right? Doesn’t that mean that monsters could be real too?”

“NO!” she shouted, throwing her hands above her head. “Monsters are just the things Hollywood puts in movies to make the hero look brave and-or smart. They may look big and ferocious, but in the end, they’re always destroyed relatively easily. REAL monsters, IF they existed at all, would be SO much harder to kill, because the hero wouldn’t be CONVENIENTLY thrown into a situation that puts him at the advantage!”

“How do you know?” Cosmo shouted, throwing his arms wide. “Maybe monsters ARE real, and maybe they ARE easy to beat!”

Thoroughly frustrated and fed up with the whole idiotic argument, Tabby ran her fingers through her hair and shouted, “I wish I could show you how hard it would be to get rid of a REAL monster!”

The starry tip of Cosmo’s wand—which Tabby had all but forgotten he was holding—glowed brightly. They stared with wide eyes as it flashed before going dim again. Then they merely stared at each other. Cosmo whimpered.

“Uh oh.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monster in the kitchen!

A loud ‘thud’ shook the house, originating from the kitchen.

Then, silence.

“What was that?” Tabby whispered to her wide-eyed godfather as they stared toward the swinging door. Cosmo merely shook his head slowly, too frightened to speak.

The silence in the kitchen was broken by what sounded like long claws ticking on the tile floor. It continued at a steady pace, before coming to a hesitant stop. A slight scratching began then, followed by a loud ceramic ‘crash’, which Tabby guessed was the popcorn bowl shattering. The ticking sound resumed, at a much more escalated pace, as though the dropped bowl had startled the . . . well, whatever was in there.

“What . . .”

“That,” Cosmo whispered, floating closer to Tabby. “Is your REAL monster.”

“Well, I wish it was gone!” she whispered back harshly. Cosmo held his wand up, and it glowed encouragingly for a second before dimming and bending over with a soft ‘Pbbbbt’ sound.

“You can’t wish it away,” Cosmo whispered. “Because—“

“Because I’ve got to get rid of it myself,” she finished in a hushed, annoyed tone. “Yeah, yeah, I got it. Me and my big fat mouth.”

The two stared at the doorway to the kitchen for what seemed like hours as the ticking continued, but at a more leisurely pace. It sounded like the thing might have been slowly examining its new surroundings, and every so often it stopped and scratched at the cabinets.

“Go see what it is,” Tabby whispered to her godfather, who merely gawked at her.

“ME??” he whispered harshly. “YOU go look! It’s YOUR monster!”

“It’s YOUR fault the thing’s in there!” she hissed back, jabbing an accusatory finger at him. “YOU go!”

“MY fault?? YOU wished for it!”

“Yeah, and if YOU hadn’t gotten your stupid wand because that stupid movie scared you, my stupid wish wouldn’t have been granted!”

“Well who let me WATCH that stupid movie in the first place?” he countered, arms crossed angrily.

She scowled. “You . . . I . . . it . . .” she stammered, face turning red. “UGH! SHUT UP!”

Cosmo slapped a hand over her mouth as the ticking came to a sudden stop. They stared wide-eyed at the door, hoping beyond all reason that it wouldn’t start to swing in their direction.

After a few agonizing minutes, the ticking resumed, and they both let out the breath they didn’t realize they were holding in a rush.

“Maybe we should go see together?” Cosmo suggested as he released his goddaughter’s mouth.

She nodded. “Good idea.”

As slowly and quietly as possible, Tabby tiptoed toward the swinging door. The soft ticking continued unhindered behind it, comforting her as much as she could be comforted in a situation like this. If she could hear it, she could keep track of it.

The door loomed before her, almost as intimidating at the mysterious creature behind it. The fact that the thing hadn’t crashed through it yet was either dumb luck, or it was waiting for her to get closer to pounce. She was really hoping for dumb luck.

Cosmo clung tightly to her sleeve as they neared the door, and on more than one occasion had pulled her back to suggest they either run like mad or call the National Guard. She continually reminded him that, because of the wording she used when she wished, SHE was the only one who could stop . . . whatever it was.

Finally, after crossing an endless 10 feet of living room, they arrived at the kitchen doorway. Carefully, Tabby leaned close, listening intently. The silence had returned. She frowned and leaned close to Cosmo’s ear, praying that her breath wouldn’t tickle him enough to make him laugh.

“I wish I had a mirror,” she whispered as quietly as she could.

Cosmo nodded and held up his wand. A flash of light, and Tabby had a hand-held mirror clutched tightly in her right fist. Holding her breath, she slowly pushed the door open enough to slip the mirror inside and angled it to see the interior of the kitchen.

The crash they had heard before had indeed been the popcorn bowl, and ceramic shards littered the floor. Deep scratches lined the cabinets below the sink, which explained both the scratching sounds and how it got the bowl out in the first place. She angled the mirror more and saw the stove, and the dishwasher, but nothing—

Suddenly, a large dark shape leapt onto the island, and Tabby caught herself before she cried out in surprise. Cosmo squeezed closer to her, wanting to see the creature his magic had created.

It was about the size of a great Pyrenees, but covered in slick black hair. Each of its four long legs ended in three toes, each equipped with a very long, very sharp looking claw. There was a large knob at the end of its tail, covered with spikes, and it absently banged it against the marble island top, sending little pieces of stone tumbling to the ground each time it connected. As they watched, it sniffed the counter’s surface, and licked at the piece of pizza Tabby had tried and dropped earlier with a tongue that was long and forked, like a lizard’s.

Its head was the worst part of all. It was massive and rectangular, and judging by the way it moved, the skull must have been very thick. Two large bat-like ears hung from each side, coursing with veins and covered with a thin layer of pale hair. A dog barked outside, and the ears perked up instantly, moving independently until they zeroed in on the source of the sound.

The thing curled its lips back to growl, and revealed a tangled snarl of row upon row of sharp teeth. Its huge nostrils flared, all three of them, and it snorted as if to assert its dominance over the counter.

The sight of the thing made Tabby’s stomach turn, and goosebumps appeared on her arms. Cosmo was shaking violently, eyes wide, his hands pressed tightly over his mouth. They sat transfixed, watching as it picked up the pizza with its lizard tongue and swallowed it whole. It must have liked the taste, because it threw its head back and uttered a howl so low-pitched it vibrated the windows. Cosmo’s hands moved from his mouth to his ears, clamping down tightly in order to try and keep the sound from driving him insane.

Tabby slowly released the breath she had been holding, and carefully began to pull the mirror back. It was almost completely out when it clattered slightly against the doorframe, mostly due to how badly she was trembling. She froze, and heard a light ‘thump’ as the thing in the kitchen jumped to the floor. The ticks she had heard earlier began again, and her heart thudded madly within her chest when she realized that they were coming toward the door.

In a moment of sheer panic, Tabby pushed the door open again and tossed the mirror inside. It shattered against the fridge, and the creature whirled on it fiercely, snarling in the back of its throat. Cosmo’s paralysis suddenly broke, and he grabbed his goddaughter and dragged her away from the door, pulling her behind the couch and pushing her head down.

“What are we going to do?” he asked shakily. “That thing is . . is . . .”

“A monster,” Tabby panted, shaking her head. “A REAL monster. Holy cow, this is bad.”

“Sh-should we call Wanda? She might know—“

“It wouldn’t do any good,” Tabby said, dropping her head into her hands. “I’M the only one who can get rid of the thing. It was MY big mouth that put US in this position, and I don’t want to put Wanda in danger, too.”

Cosmo nodded. “Besides,” he said quietly. “She’d never let us live this down. We’d never be allowed to stay home alone again.”

Tabby seemed to consider this, then nodded. “Good point.”

A familiar faint squeak instantly caught their attention, and they ducked lower, quickly crawling to the end of the couch to peek around. A long black snout slowly poked through the opened door, and the three nostrils flared as it smelled the new room.

Tabby thought she may wet herself. Cosmo made a small noise in the back of his throat, his face pale.

The beast slowly pushed its way through the door, its large ears erect and twisting in quick jerks. It continued smelling the air, and its tongue flicked sporadically. Light gleamed off it’s slick coat, and it was at this point that Tabby noticed it had no eyes. She wondered if that was much of a disadvantage, considering how acute it’s hearing and sense of smell seemed to be.

As it moved steadily through the living room, Tabby tugged slightly on her godfather’s pant leg. They were both on their hands and knees, him beneath her, and she began to slowly crawl backwards. He quickly scooted back to catch up with her, and they carefully rounded the edge of the couch as the creature arrived and sniffed at their original hiding spot.

They managed two full rotations around the couch like that, fairy and girl crawling backwards as the toothy beast followed their trail. Just when it seemed as though they were doomed to play a deadly game of ring-around-the-rosy for the rest of the night, the couch creaked slightly. Tabby and Cosmo stopped instantly, staring into each other’s wide eyes.

They were behind the back of the couch, and the creature had just leapt onto the cushions. It meant to cut off the path of whatever prey it had been following.

Moving quickly, before her building panic could paralyze her, Tabby kicked her sneakers off and untied the laces. As her godfather watched in confusion, she knotted the shoes together and hurled them over her head, into the far corner. The creature heard them land and leapt on them in a heartbeat, tearing into them immediately. Tabby quickly grabbed Cosmo and, tucking him under her arm like a football, made a mad dash to the stairs.

She took them two at a time, collapsing at the top with her chest on fire. On her hands and knees, she gasped and panted, hoping she hadn’t just given herself a heart attack. Cosmo half carried, half dragged her around the corner and leaned her against the wall.

“This is bad,” Cosmo whined softly. “This is REALLY bad.”

“We should have watched ‘The Little Lost Bunny’,” Tabby muttered, mostly to herself.

Cosmo frowned. “You think this is my fault,” he said, sounding hurt. “You think it’s my fault because this all started when I got scared.”

She looked at him deadpan, an eyebrow raised. “What’s your point?”

His lower lip trembled as his eyes watered. She sighed heavily, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, what difference does it make?” she asked, throwing her hands up. “Pointing fingers isn’t going to change anything. Let’s face it, we’re BOTH to blame for that thing, and arguing about it isn’t going to make it go away. Let’s just see if we can figure out how to get rid of it before Wanda gets home.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, watching as the beast finished off Tabby’s sneakers and resumed its exploration of the living room.

“I’m sorry I got scared,” Cosmo whispered. “I should have just left my wand up here.”

Tabby turned and offered him a small smile. “Hey, I’m the one who made the stupid wish without thinking,” she said quietly. “But you know what really stinks?”

“What?”

“The fact that we’ve just proven Wanda’s point about us not being mature enough to stay home by ourselves,” she said sourly. “Because, judging by the situation we’ve gotten ourselves into, we’re not.”

Cosmo glumly nodded when the thing downstairs suddenly stopped and raised its ears. Tabby and Cosmo automatically shrank down—even though it really didn’t make much difference, the thing didn’t have any eyes, after all—and held their breath. They watched fearfully as it moved toward the stairs, smelling each place Tabby had stepped in her mad climb.

“It’s at the bottom of the stairs!” Tabby whispered frantically.

Cosmo paled, his eyes wide. “If it comes up here, we won’t have anyplace to run!” he said a little too loudly.

Tabby slapped her hand over his mouth and leaned sideways to check the progress of the creature. It had stopped on the bottom step, it’s large ears turning to hone in on the sound it had heard. Tabby thought quickly, heart pounding furiously in her chest.

“I wish there was a distraction in the kitchen!” she hissed into her godfather’s ear, and his wand glowed immediately. A loud crash shook the house, and the creature growled as it ran back toward the kitchen, where they heard it snarl and thrash in anger.

“Was that the fridge?” Tabby asked as they hurried into her room. Cosmo offered her a sheepish nod. She rolled her eyes. “Great.”

“Hey, you asked for a distraction, I gave you a distraction!” he said, hands on his hips. “You got any better ideas?”

“I’m thinking!” she cried, pacing the room. “This is getting us nowhere. We’ve gotta find its weak spot.”

“Does that thing even HAVE a weak spot?” Cosmo asked worriedly.

Tabby shrugged as she crossed her arms. “EVERYTHING has a weak spot, right?”

He shrugged.

“Okay, then what are its strong points?”

“Strong points? You mean like all those sharp, pointed teeth?” he asked, shaking in fear. “Yeah, it’s got a lot of those!”

“Right, okay, it has lots of sharp teeth. What else?”

Cosmo thought.

“OH! BIG ears, it’s got really big ears!” he cried, stretching his own as an example.

Tabby nodded. “Right, big ears, so excellent hearing. It’s also got a pretty darn good sense of smell, too, which is how it gets along so well without eyes. I wonder if . . .”

“What?”

“I wonder if its strengths are actually its weaknesses?”

Cosmo furrowed his brow. “Huh?”

“Well, think of it this way,” she said patiently, giving him a chance to figure it out. “If you have really sensitive teeth, you have to be careful eating really cold food like ice cream, right? Otherwise your teeth will hurt. So, if the thing downstairs has really sensitive hearing and smell, then . . .”

“Then . . . we’re going to feed it ice cream?” he asked with an embarrassed grin. He knew he was supposed to have figured it out, but he honestly didn’t understand where she was going with this.

“No, Cosmo,” she said gently. “Not exactly. C’mon. I think I have an idea. It’s time to face our monster.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to be a hero!

Cosmo glumly buzzed along, his little housefly wings beating fiercely to keep him aloft. He flew through the living room and stopped at the swinging kitchen door, listening to the deafening silence that filled the room.

After hovering for a minute, he decided he’d rather have his wings torn off than go inside, and turned around to head back upstairs. He stopped when he saw Tabby watching him through the posts on the banister, and she waved at him, mouthing the words ‘Go on!’. For a split second he considered refusing and just going back upstairs and hiding until the beast left, but he knew if HE didn’t go into the kitchen, SHE would. And, disguised as a housefly, HE had a better chance of coming back out alive.

After taking a deep breath for courage, Cosmo flew through the crack in the door, and into the den of the beast.

When the fridge fell, it had knocked the edge of the island and broken the corner off. It lay on its side, doors hanging open, spilling all the contents onto the floor. Various fluids pooled on the tile, and the creature had apparently licked at—and stepped through—most of them. Odd pawprints littered the floor, seemingly going everywhere.

Cosmo tried to follow them, but gave up after a minute. Lines of tracks crisscrossed each other, making it impossible to follow any one set. With a frown, he completed his examination of the room and slipped back out the door.

“Well?” Tabby whispered as she stepped off the bottom stair.

“It’s not in there!” he whisper-shouted.

She gawked at him. “What do you mean it’s not there??” she asked worriedly.

He put his little fly arms on his non-existent little fly hips as he flew to her.

“What, am I speaking French?” he quipped sarcastically. “The thing’s not in the kitchen!”

“Well where is it??”

“How should I know!” he asked, throwing his arms in the air. “You want me to cover myself in barbeque sauce and ring the dinner bell to lure it out??”

“Would you?” she asked sarcastically, making him scowl at her. “That’d be great!”

It was then she became aware of a low growling behind her. She froze, the color draining from her face.

She wanted to smack herself for forgetting about the OTHER swinging door in the kitchen, the one that led to the dining room—a room that she had never really been in, mostly because her parents were never home for real ‘family’ meals in there. But there it was, the alternate route the creature had discovered. It must have gone back through the kitchen, into the dining room, which in turn led to the great room, the room behind the wall the stairs were against.

This was where the thing had been hiding, and this was where it had been carefully stalking Tabby as she stood at the foot of the stairs arguing with her godfather.

“Aw, crap,” she muttered, gripping the banister post tightly.

Cosmo stared at her, shaking visibly. “Tabby . . .?” he whispered shakily.

She looked at him, steeling herself for a quick escape.

“Cosmo . . .” she said quietly, slowly moving her hands to better positions on the post. “RUN!”

Her godfather flew straight up as she swung herself around the post and ran flat out toward the kitchen. The beast snorted in surprise and launched itself after her, snapping at her heels. She faintly wondered why she hadn’t put on another pair of shoes before coming back down, but quickly lost track of the thought as she hit the swinging door, forcing it open so fast it slammed into the wall behind it. It hadn’t swung even halfway shut before the creature sprinted through it, growling angrily.

Tabby had meant to make a wide arc and head through the door to the dining room, but the combination of her socks and the wet messes on the tile floor made for a slippery course. She hit a puddle of yogurt and had just enough time to utter a surprised “Whoa!” before colliding with the fallen fridge.

She hit it waist high, her momentum flipping her over and behind it, where she plunged wrist deep into a large, fresh, steaming pile of monster dung.

Before she could do more than utter a disgusted “UGH!”, the creator of the warm, sticky pile mounted the fridge, snarling and growling down at her. She could feel the heated air from its three nostrils, and her throat tightened against a scream. She was pretty sure she had never been so scared in her life.

“TABBY!” her godfather cried, and the monster jerked back as if yanked. She flattened herself to look around the top of the fridge and discovered Cosmo, now a large green elephant, holding the monster’s knobby tail tightly with his trunk.

“RUN!” he shouted as the monster thrashed and writhed in his grip. It snapped at the trunk, uttering a strange, low-pitched bark between growls.

Tabby had no sooner regained her footing when the creature gave a fierce jerk, freeing its tail and turning on the elephant. It swiped with one deadly paw, and Cosmo jerked backwards, just missing the claws by inches. The creature then swung it’s muscled body in a full circle, its heavy tail knob connecting solidly with the elephant’s head.

Dazed, Cosmo returned to his fairy form, falling back toward the wall. The creature advanced on him slowly, its lips pulled back in a fierce snarl.

“NO!” Tabby cried, and her godfather blinked quickly, shaking his head slightly and regaining whatever sense he had to begin with. His eyes widened and he cried out as the monster tentatively tasted his foot with its long forked tongue. Panic set in and he kicked his legs wildly, scooting himself back toward the wall as quickly as physically possible. The creature followed him slowly, wrapping its tongue around the terrified fairy’s ankle.

“COSMO!” Tabby screamed, her voice cracking shrilly. The beast cringed with a whimper, and its ears curled in on themselves momentarily, as the long tongue slipped quickly back into its mouth. Her heart skipped a beat as hope blossomed.

“Cover your ears!” she shouted to her godfather, who immediately obeyed, but gave her a confused look. The beast turned quickly to ‘look’ at her, startled by the new voice.

Tabby inhaled deeply and let loose the loudest, shrillest, longest shriek she could produce. The monster hunkered close to the floor, whimpering in pain and curling it’s twitching ears as flat against its head as possible. Its knobby tail pounded repeatedly against the floor, leaving indentations at each spot it hit and large, deep scratches appeared in the tile wherever its claws dug in. Its entire body trembled violently in pain.

As her breath dwindled, Tabby thought frantically for her next move. She couldn’t very well scream at the thing all night long, her vocal chords would never hold out, and besides, what would the neighbors think?

Her powerful shriek ended in a hoarse whimper, and an idea suddenly flashed. As the creature continued to tremble before her, she moved quickly, breathing hard.

Cosmo slowly dropped the hands from his ears as he watched the creature whimper before him. Tabby had run out of breath for her shriek, and was now practically crawling into a cabinet, seeming to search for something. He slowly got to his hands and knees and, completely forgetting he had the power of flight, crawled towards his goddaughter.

When Cosmo was halfway to her, the beast suddenly shook its head violently and regained its feet. The fairy froze, watching as the thing flared its nostrils to sniff the air. It immediately turned its blind head towards him, curling its lips back in what looked like an evil grin.

“Tabby?” the green haired fairy called, his body shaking uncontrollably. “Help?”

His fear seemed to amuse the beast, the grin seeming to widen. It hunkered down, preparing to pounce. Cosmo closed his eyes tightly, preparing to be dinner.

In his darkness, Cosmo heard a loud ‘CLANG!’, followed by a whimper. He threw his eyes open in shock and saw Tabby standing over the monster, a large cast iron skillet clutched tightly in her fists, and a look of pure fury on her face. She had brought the skillet down squarely on the beast’s head, hitting it right where its eyes should have been.

“Down boy!” she cried as she lifted the skillet high over her head. With a grunt, she swung the heavy pan again, smacking the creature flat on the snout. “DOWN!”

The beast howled in pain and rage, flinging the skillet off its head and whirling on Tabby. She held the pan before her, poking the nightmare in the nose.

“GO!” she yelled to Cosmo. “I wish there was a monster trap in the dining room!”

Her godfather nodded quickly and flew to the next room, producing a flash of light as he granted her wish.

She poked the beast once more in the nose with her skillet, before it opened its mouth wide and clamped down on it, severing the bowl from the handle. It chewed the metal as it growled deep within its throat.

“Wow,” she muttered shakily as she looked from the now skillet-less handle she still held to the monster before her munching on the rest. “That’s . . . impressive.”

As if in response, it turned its head and spat the now twisted used-to-be skillet to the floor. Then it turned back to her, snarling loudly.

Acting almost on impulse, Tabby jabbed forward and shoved the severed handle straight into the beast’s middle nostril. There was dung smeared on it from her hands, and the jagged edge of the bitten metal scratched the sensitive inner skin of the thing’s nose. It howled in pain and thrashed its head violently to dislodge the piece of metal as she ran past, into the dining room. With one final violent shake, the handle flew free and her monster followed her with murderous intent.

Cosmo hovered by the doorway as Tabby streaked past him, stopping only when she reached the end of the dining room. The beast was close behind, barking and growling constantly. When it reached the center of the room, Cosmo waved his wand quickly, and a large net appeared, lifting the startled creature into the air. It struggled and thrashed, voicing its extreme displeasure for all to hear.

“Cosmo!” Tabby cried, hands on hips.

“I did it!” her godfather cheered happily. “We caught it!”

“Not for long!” Tabby shouted, pointing to the struggling creature. Its claws were slicing very easily through the rope net Cosmo had laid as a trap. “Why on earth did you pick ROPE??”

“I got nervous!” he yelled back, hands in the air. “Besides, I didn’t hear any design specifics from YOU!”

Before Tabby had a chance to counter, the monster freed itself with a triumphant roar. It landed on its feet, breathing hard and swinging its head back and forth between girl and fairy. It seemed to be deciding which one should be taken down first.

It finally decided and turned toward Cosmo, charging the fairy with its head down. Cosmo screamed and covered his eyes with his hands, too scared to flee. Tabby growled and ran forward, grabbing the monster in a flying tackle and tumbling them both to the floor.

Before the beast could regain it’s footing, she kicked it in the stomach and climbed onto its back, wrapping her legs around it tightly. She then grabbed the thing’s ears, and pulled back hard, making it rear into a standing position.

The beast uttered a furious roar, galloping in mad circles about the room as it tried to shake the girl off. She yanked hard on its ears, steering it this way and that, giving it a good jab in the ribs with her heels when it protested.

“What are you doing??” Cosmo cried, watching the strange rodeo in the dining room.

“What does it look like??” she shot back as she steered her mount hard to the left. “Keeping it from eating YOU! Now DO something!”

“Like what?” he called, trying not to laugh. Watching his goddaughter ride a monster like a bucking bronco was kind of funny.

“We need a trap or something!” she shouted, giving her ‘steed’ a good hard kick in the ribs.

“OOH, no!” Cosmo called, crossing his arms defiantly. “You didn’t like the trap I made. YOU come up with one.”

“Ugh, for crying out loud,” she muttered, yanking back hard on the monster’s ears. “Fine! I wish there was a 4-foot brick wall in the great room! That specific enough for ya??”

Cosmo stuck his tongue out at her as he raised his wand, granting her wish. A 4-foot brick wall appeared at the far end of the great room, and Tabby steered the monster toward the back of the dining room in order to get as long a runway as possible.

“Here goes nothing,” she told herself as she turned the beast around and gave it a good hard kick in the ribs to ‘encourage’ it to run. It obliged, running toward the brick wall as fast as possible, still bucking and kicking to try and dislodge the unwanted passenger on its back. Tabby held firm, and after giving it one more good kick to ensure its pace, she let go of the ears and rolled herself off as the monster hit the wall, running full force.

The sound that erupted from the force of the beast’s skull connecting with the brick wall wasn’t as much of a ‘thud’ as it was a ‘crunch’. It stopped in mid-snarl and hung stuck to the wall for a second before slowly sliding to the floor. It landed in a crumpled heap, twitching twice before lying still, completely unconscious.

Tabby and Cosmo slowly approached the downed creature, their hearts thumping wildly.

“Is it . . . dead?” Cosmo asked timidly.

Tabby prodded it with her foot, producing a low moan. “Nope, just out cold. I bet it’s going to have one doozy of a headache when it wakes up, though.”

“So, now what do we do? How do we get rid of it?”

Tabby shrugged, sighing. “I dunno. Too bad it’s not as easy as just saying ‘I wish it was a cockroach’,” she said with a small laugh—which promptly died in her throat when Cosmo’s wand glowed.

In a flash, the monstrous beast they had battled was nothing more than a cockroach, its little legs twitching slightly as it lay on its back. She turned and glared at her godfather.

“Heh,” he laughed shakily, a crooked smile on his lips. “Never thought of that.”

“You have GOT to be kidding me,” Tabby muttered through gritted teeth before reaching over and grabbing her godfather by the shirt collar. “Do you realize how much trouble we could have avoided had you just suggested trying that over an hour ago??”

“YOU didn’t think of it either!” he shot back, bonking her on the head with his wand. “Why is everything always MY fault?”

“Because!” she wittily countered as she rubbed her knuckles into his hair.

He struggled in her grip until turning himself into an octopus and tickling her with his many arms. She fell to the floor, laughing hard and struggling to push him off. After a few minutes of this tension releasing wrestling, they calmed and sat on the floor to catch their breath.

“Well, THAT was an exciting night,” Tabby said as she sat leaning back on her arms.

Cosmo nodded. “Yep.” He looked at her and wrinkled his nose. “You smell like monster poop.”

She looked at him, a half smile on her lips. “Yeah? So do you.”

Surprised, he sniffed his arm, wrinkling his nose again. “Ugh, I do.”

They sat silent for a moment, each absorbed in their thoughts, but both staring at the cockroach that used to be a deadly monster. Its legs twitched regularly, apparently regaining consciousness.

“So,” Cosmo said quietly. “What do we do with it? You gonna kill it?”

Tabby seemed to consider this before finally shaking her head.

“Nah,” she said, getting to her feet. “It’s just a little bug now. It’s not really a fair fight anymore.” Her godfather gave her a strange look.

“Like it was a fair fight BEFORE?” he asked, floating to her level.

She shrugged. “We won didn’t we?”

“Does that mean I was right or you were? From our argument before, I mean.”

She shrugged again. “Let’s call it even,” she said, offering her hand. “Deal?”

He thought about it for a minute before nodding and putting out his own.

“Deal,” he said as they shook. “Ugh! I forgot you had poop on your hand!”

Tabby laughed as the little green haired fairy frantically rubbed his smelly hand down his white shirt.

“Hello! I’m home!” a familiar voice called from upstairs. Tabby and Cosmo stared wide-eyed at each other for a second before running to the bottom of the stairs.

“Wanda’s back!!” Cosmo cried, nearing panic.

“I wish everything was back to normal!” Tabby hissed as she grabbed him and ran to the couch, flopping them down upon it.

As the wish fixed everything, she grabbed the remote and flicked the set on. They feigned interest in the man shouting on the infomercial as Wanda floated down the stairs.

“Hey!” she called as she approached the couch. “I’m back! How did things go tonight?”

Girl and godfather exchanged a glance before looking back at the pink haired fairy.

“Fine,” they replied in unison.

Wanda narrowed her eyes at them.

“Really?” she prodded. “You mean nothing happened?”

Another glance.

“Nope,” they answered.

Wanda looked almost disappointed.

“Oh. Well, that’s good. Great! Maybe I should leave you two home alone more often.”

“NO!” Tabby and Cosmo shouted, almost without realizing it.

Wanda gave them a questioning glance as Cosmo flew to his wife.

“Wh-what we mean is, uh,” he stammered through a crooked smile. “We missed you tonight.”  
  
”Yeah,” Tabby agreed as she turned the TV off and joined her godparents. “Why don’t we go upstairs and you can tell us about your night?”

Wanda looked from husband to godchild for a few seconds before shrugging.

“Oookay,” she said slowly, floating back towards the stairs. “But first make sure all the windows are closed. I keep thinking I smell manure!”

After exchanging a quick glance, Tabby and Cosmo followed Wanda upstairs.

“Let’s never speak of this night ever again,” Tabby whispered.

Cosmo nodded.

“Deal.”


End file.
